I Write About You All the Time
Helping an older person go through the last stage of life rewires your brain and the way you think about life and death. Losing someone you care about always leaves that hole in your heart in the shape of them, but walking and living with my grandfather during his last three years of his life I see the world differently. When I was with him and doing all the things - the pills, the doctor visits, the late-night conversations - I didn't have the perspective yet because I was just so busy. Somehow when I realized he needed my help with managing his health I made room for it in my busy life. When he needed more of me, I made even more room. Now he's gone and I have a lot of room in my life - it doesn't feel busy at all anymore. All the room has my mind thinking a lot. Maybe the things that used to keep me so busy doesn't seem as important anymore, I'm not really sure. I do know that I think a lot about how I want to live this second half of my lifespan. I also am very aware of how getting older changes the chemistry and our ability to think and remember.
My husband and I are trying out a new lifestyle. First, we have a goal of being together - in the same city physically together, for six months. That started in September and he starts going to China again in March, thus the six-month goal. It might be more if I can swing going to China with him. In doing this traveling with him, I noticed how much I forgot about where we have been, and the things I have done. We landed in Philadelphia this last Sunday - for the life of me I couldn't remember what the airport looked like or where it was located in relation to the city. Once we got off the plane it started to come back to me, but it was strange how slow it came back. I could feel the atrophy of the memories of our life in Pennsylvania.
Currently, today, we are in Allentown, PA for the week. I haven't been back here since we left in 2010. I'm honestly not even sure if it was 2009 or 2010! The roads are familiar and the grocery store felt like I never left. As I wandered around my favorite grocery store it brought back the feelings of how lonely I was when we lived here, but I kept trying to remember what I used to cook and bake - I know I loved that store because I always had a plan and it was a critical part of my weekly kitchen missions!
As Matt and I drove around the area we remembered the restaurants we went to, but couldn't recall the names of them or why we went.
All the holes in the memories made me realize that I want to document more about my regular life so that I can look back as I get older and remember the places we have been and the things I do. Remember the journal that Drew Barrymore kept in 50 First Dates? She said, "I don't know who you are but I write about you all the time." One day that might be me, my mind might play tricks and I want to see in my own words who I am, who he is, what our life was.
My husband and I are trying out a new lifestyle. First, we have a goal of being together - in the same city physically together, for six months. That started in September and he starts going to China again in March, thus the six-month goal. It might be more if I can swing going to China with him. In doing this traveling with him, I noticed how much I forgot about where we have been, and the things I have done. We landed in Philadelphia this last Sunday - for the life of me I couldn't remember what the airport looked like or where it was located in relation to the city. Once we got off the plane it started to come back to me, but it was strange how slow it came back. I could feel the atrophy of the memories of our life in Pennsylvania.
Currently, today, we are in Allentown, PA for the week. I haven't been back here since we left in 2010. I'm honestly not even sure if it was 2009 or 2010! The roads are familiar and the grocery store felt like I never left. As I wandered around my favorite grocery store it brought back the feelings of how lonely I was when we lived here, but I kept trying to remember what I used to cook and bake - I know I loved that store because I always had a plan and it was a critical part of my weekly kitchen missions!
As Matt and I drove around the area we remembered the restaurants we went to, but couldn't recall the names of them or why we went.
All the holes in the memories made me realize that I want to document more about my regular life so that I can look back as I get older and remember the places we have been and the things I do. Remember the journal that Drew Barrymore kept in 50 First Dates? She said, "I don't know who you are but I write about you all the time." One day that might be me, my mind might play tricks and I want to see in my own words who I am, who he is, what our life was.
Comments